I struggled with this post all day. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings, but didn't want the post to seem like I was throwing my husband under the bus. Then I realized, couples fight. Moms are very protective of their kids. As someone who has worked on her anger in years of therapy, on my own with shadow work and healing my inner child - I am immediately triggered when I hear someone speak to our children in a way I know for a fact will impact them mentally and emotionally. Sometimes if these people have never been spoken to in this way from someone else, they might not have a clue how powerful their words are. However, that's not the case here because I've mentioned time and time again how much power these words carry and that the child doesn't grow up hating the person that said these words, they end up turning that hate inward. Kids want to be seen and heard and when they are silenced, especially in a harsh way, it impacts them. I have worked very hard on not only myself, but also on the mental and emotional level with our kids. I purposely allow our kids to see me if I am angry or upset and crying. I want them to know it's ok to sit with your feelings. The last thing I want them to do is suppress how they feel and bear the burden and toxicity from pent up emotions. I lashed out and yelled out of anger and frustration this morning. Then I had to take our daughter to her ceramics class. When I returned home, I sat in my car in the driveway with the windows rolled down with very little breeze and the sun pouring down. I stayed there for several hours because I'd rather be there than in a house with my husband. I needed that time to meditate, observe my feelings without judgement and do some tapping. The being uncomfortable in the hot car somehow brought me comfort in being alone with my thoughts. I usually go to a chair we have in our backyard when I need to process things, but I didn't want to speak to my husband, so I felt sitting in my car was a better option. Later in the evening I was able to have a calm talk with him, better express how I felt and listen to what he had to say. We have been taught to run away from our feelings, to use coping mechanisms that might not be healthy, and/or suppress the way we feel. I turned to drugs and alcohol for many years to "get me through" my feelings. I eventually learned it was doing me more harm than good and quit.
I encourage you to disrupt those thoughts and behaviors and spend time with the feelings. Ride the wave of emotions that come up. It probably won't be fun, it might even bring up much more than you thought was going on. When the wave is done, you'll know. I spent most of my day crying alone in my car and now I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. Not looking for attention with this post, just want you to know it's ok to sit with your feelings and allow them to process.