I was a bully
Confession - I was a bully. I was a hateful person FULL of anger and rage. I said mean things to people, I hit people and mentally and emotionally manipulated them. I used people, I got what I wanted and left. In my high school and college days, we didn't call it bullying though. I was just an asshole, but a very dirty one. A friend to your face and that sneaky, evil snake in the grass waiting for my moment to attack. I didn't care who I hurt, how it made them feel or how it might effect them. It only took one tiny slip-up and I set my target on them. I was very strategic in who I targeted, I knew exactly what I was doing.
I not only expressed my anger outward and onto others, the hatred on the inside was even worse. The negative self talk and destruction I did on the inside was far worse than what I put anyone else through. I carried deep, dark pain that no one on this planet knows. I didn't want to burden people with my "drama". So I buried it inside, which made me forget who I was deep down. I lost myself. The worst part was that I was very good at putting on a fake smile and I had a great deal of charm. That way if anyone I did bully tried to tell anyone, not a single person would believe them because no one saw me as a mean person. Terrible I know, but it used to make me proud to be so damn manipulative.
October is my birth month in more ways than one. I was born in October in 1979, but I was also reborn in October 2015. This was the first time I publicly spoke about this. I opened up and confessed. About 15 years ago I started to face the demons inside myself. I began to realize the anger and hate I projected on others came from the anger and hate I had inside for myself. I grew to hate the person I had become, I hated having to hid it, to pretend to be someone else. I hated feeling helpless, like I had no voice. I hated the men I attracted into my life, I hated what I allowed them to do to me. I had to learn how to heal myself from within so I could learn to be a better person. Drugs and alcohol could only mask my pain, they never actually took it away. I had to grow as a person and fight for myself.
October is National Bullying Prevention Month. Listening to the stories of people who have been bullied was hard. I wondered what happened to the bullies in those stories. It was abundantly clear the pain they inflicted. Up until 5 years ago, I have never been able to publicly talk about this before. I kept my struggle of overcoming this rage to myself, I mean - what would people think of me? Guess what? I don't care what people think anymore. I have improved, I am still a work in progress and I'm ok with that. The personal strength and belief in myself that has developed over these last 15 years is unmeasurable.
Perhaps this is why my passion for helping others has become so deep rooted and part of my soul. On my journey to heal myself, I learned I had it in me to help others instead of hurt them. Being more consistent with my daily personal development, yoga, meditation and journaling has made a world of difference in my progress. Understanding my triggers and being more self aware was the golden ticket to overcoming this. I can promise you, that I am a different person now. Anyone I have as a coach, client or friend - I take you under my wing and will support you and NEVER give up on you. The only thing I need from you is the willingness to try.
5 years ago when I first began speaking about this, I was trembling as I typed the post. I had just gotten back from an incredibly empowering retreat, was pregnant and FULL of emotions and felt the need to come clean. My palms were sweating, I re-wrote it 6 times and I had to close my eyes to hit submit. At the time, it was the hardest thing I had ever did by putting it out there - but if you are friends with me or follow me, you know I've gone much deeper than this 😉
I had made a blog post about this 5 years ago and have since changed my site to a different platform, I never copied the blog post over. I felt now was a good time to bring it back. Mainly because the world we are living in now is FULL of hate, it spreads more rapidly than any disease. It scares me actually and I pray we can change the direction we are going. WE as a collective have the power to change this and make a difference. It all starts with us. Happiness isn't something you go out and find, it's an inside job.
There are two things I hope you take away from this post:
1 - I want to show you that when a person is being a heartless and mean - it's because they are battling things below the surface you can't see. They might not even know or realize how they are impacting people. Don't give in to them and allow them to take your power and get upset. The best thing you can do is NOT engage with them. They WANT you to react.
2 - People CAN change, if they are ready and willing to accept who they currently are and work through the trauma they have. Most people don't know me as a mean person. Unfortunately there are quite a few who do though. Thankfully, almost all have forgiven me.
In the last 15 years, I have been my biggest project. I learned how to be self aware, heal my pain and trauma. In my efforts to numb this deep rooted pain, which came out as anger and rage I turned to drugs and alcohol. One of the biggest accomplishments was my decision to become sober. My sobriety lead to clarity I had never had before. I was no longer masking my pain, I was dealing with it head on.
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