I'M FINE but my depression isn't
24 years. That's how long I have kept it inside. Allowing it to consume me, dictate my decisions, determine my worth, and remind me daily that I'm not good enough and never will be. I can't keep it in anymore. Almost 2 years ago, I spent 4 days at a retreat in France hosted by Shaun T. This was the BIGGEST personal growth I had ever experienced. I came home a completely different person. It was the first time I spoke about my battle with depression. Since then I wanted to talk about it, but I lived in fear. Fear of what people would think fear that my clients would no longer see me as capable to help them, and fear of being vulnerable. That fear paralyzed me. To say that 2020 was hard for me would be an understatement. I was fresh out of my second back surgery, hating my body, angry at myself for the moody homeschooling mom I had become, struggling to sleep, diving deeper and deeper into depression - without even realizing it. Until the day I made a video about the insane knot my hair had become from not washing it for weeks. I had no intention with the video other than sharing how I had finally begun to identify some of the thought patterns that kept me from being able to do the most simple tasks. I just wanted to help someone else maybe see their patterns so they could stop their downward spiral too. I knew I was going to do something I had never done before to anyone in my life - reveal my depressed hair. Since that video, I STILL get countless messages from women reaching out thanking me for my bravery to put a video like that out there. I made that video almost a year ago! They were struggling with the same thing and thought they were the only ones. I'M FINE - often the answer we tell people when they ask how we are. It's a blatant lie. I'm tired of lying. I'm ready to take my mask of illusion off and speak my truth because I now know there are other women who need me to speak about this until they feel like they can. You are not alone and together we can break the stigma and bring awareness to mental health. I'm here for you. The mom who fakes a smile each day because she feels pressured to show up and be strong for everyone else.