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  • Writer's pictureSusie Bower

I'M FINE but my depression isn't

24 years. That's how long I have kept it inside. Allowing it to consume me, dictate my decisions, determine my worth, and remind me daily that I'm not good enough and never will be.⁣ ⁣ I can't keep it in anymore. Almost 2 years ago, I spent 4 days at a retreat in France hosted by Shaun T. This was the BIGGEST personal growth I had ever experienced. I came home a completely different person. It was the first time I spoke about my battle with depression. Since then I wanted to talk about it, but I lived in fear. ⁣ ⁣ Fear of what people would think fear that my clients would no longer see me as capable to help them, and fear of being vulnerable. That fear paralyzed me.⁣ ⁣ To say that 2020 was hard for me would be an understatement. I was fresh out of my second back surgery, hating my body, angry at myself for the moody homeschooling mom I had become, struggling to sleep, diving deeper and deeper into depression - without even realizing it. Until the day I made a video about the insane knot my hair had become from not washing it for weeks. I had no intention with the video other than sharing how I had finally begun to identify some of the thought patterns that kept me from being able to do the most simple tasks. I just wanted to help someone else maybe see their patterns so they could stop their downward spiral too. I knew I was going to do something I had never done before to anyone in my life - reveal my depressed hair.⁣ ⁣ Since that video, I STILL get countless messages from women reaching out thanking me for my bravery to put a video like that out there. I made that video almost a year ago! They were struggling with the same thing and thought they were the only ones. ⁣ ⁣ I'M FINE - often the answer we tell people when they ask how we are. It's a blatant lie. I'm tired of lying. I'm ready to take my mask of illusion off and speak my truth because I now know there are other women who need me to speak about this until they feel like they can. ⁣ ⁣ You are not alone and together we can break the stigma and bring awareness to mental health. I'm here for you. The mom who fakes a smile each day because she feels pressured to show up and be strong for everyone else.

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